Rock, Paper, GP.

Eight Ways to Off a Bieber

The Bieber is a dangerous menace to modern society and should be treated as such. Here is a list of eight helpful ways to rid the world of The Bieber should you run across one.

Method 1: Throw a water bottle at him

The blunt force trauma form a solid water bottle is usually enough to cause severe cranial damage, rendering the Bieber in a helpless vegetable like state.

Method 2: Throw a water bottle filled with sulfuric acid at him

Everyone loves cranial trauma, but let's kick it up a notch with a hint of sulfuric acid, strong enough to eat through even the toughest flesh!

Method 3: Chainsaw lobotomy 

What better way to conduct one of the operating rooms most delicate medical procedures then using a high powered electrical tool!

Method 4: Chainsaw lobotomy without anastasia 

We don't have time for narcotic drugs! We have a brain to seer!

Method 5: Tumor 

Method 6: Attacked by a Black Widow

Who needs hypnosis when you have fangs!

Method 6: Impaled by a sharp banana

Nothing says death like the cruel sensation of a banana piercing your skull and leaving you on the floor to bleed out.

There are many ways to rid the world of The Bieber, all of which are equally effective. Pick your poison.

How to Kill a Hypnotic Black Widow in 3 Easy Steps.

I ran across a little Black Widow hiding under my bathroom door a few hours ago. As you could imagine I was throughly surprised as well as afraid.

Now it's a known fact that Black Widows trap their pray in their evil webs of death before sucking their insides dry like a slushy, but most people are unaware of their second method of luring pray in. Hypnosis. Most Widows refrain from using hypnosis as it is very stressful on their brains, however every once in a blue moon when a formidable enemy crosses the Widow's path, she will strike. Here is a step by step guide to countering the master hypnotist and possibly saving your live.

STEP 1: Play Possum

Black Widows gain their strength from our fear, which only fuels their intellectual power. To counter this, pretend to be afraid, and the Widow will gain a false sense of confidence. 

The trap is set and the Widow is soon to begin her attack. If you followed step one then your chances of surviving are allready better then most, but you must be vigilant.  

Notice the pulsating red aura of doom radiating from her body. This is a clear sign she is preparing to rape your mind with her overpowering hypnotic beta waves of doom.

The fact that you are still alive shows that your mind may be strong enough to resist, but the deciding factor will be your ability to adhere to the next step.

STEP 2 "NO"

No is one of the most important weapons against the Widow. Her power intensifies with every second you give in to her will, so you must resist. You must say "no"

At this point most people would already be convulsing on the floor and foaming out the mouth, but not you, you are better then her. You can fight her.

 You've done it, you used no and you destroyed the evil hypnotic Black Widow! Your triumphant act of intellectual defiance overloaded the Widow's cerebral cortex and sent it splattering across the bathroom floor in a gruesome wave of brain shrapnel and spider venom. 

Basque in your glorious victory over one of natures most dangerous and underrated predators, but not for too long, as the most important step of all is still left to be done. This is the one step that can make or break whether or not you will exit the bathroom alive. 

STEP 3: Disposal

Black Widows have highly advanced regenerative capabilities, and even now her brain is beginning to reform from inside the gaping hole in her head. To counter this you must carefully dispose of the body by a complex means that can only be described by the following illustration. Watch carefully as your life literally depends on it.

The Tale of Armin Meiwes

So I was listening to one of Rammstein's songs which had a reference to a man named Armin Meiwes. He was a guy who murdered this other guy and ate his penis for dinner. The interesting part is the victim volunteered to be eaten after seeking him out over the internet. Rather then elaborating in detail I'll just show you how things played out with some cool pictures.

The two found each other online on TheCanableCafe.com sharing a common interest, cannibalism!

Once they both finally met in real life Armin's new friend only had one request, but he had to be sure first.

Armin gave it some thought before answering

Armin was hesitant for a moment, but his new friend had traveled across Germany in order to meet him in person for just this reason. So he said

And then they were both like

And then they were like

And then Armin cut his friends penis off in the most dramatic way possible.

And they ate the penis together!

And then Armin slit his throat and he died. 

THE END.